Mutuality in conflict - Find agency

Are you navigating conflict, or being pulled along by it? Understanding the mutual dynamics of conflict gives you the agency to step into the game as a player—not just the ball being hit back and forth.

Conflict is part of life in medicine—whether it’s a miscommunication on rounds, a disagreement in the OR, or a difficult interaction with a colleague. As trainees, we’re often thrown into high-stakes situations with little formal training in how to navigate interpersonal tension. That’s where conflict education comes in—and one idea I’ve been sitting with lately is mutuality in conflict.

What is Conflict Mutuality?

At its core, conflict mutuality means acknowledging that conflict usually involves two people, each bringing their own experiences, expectations, and emotional states. It’s not about assigning blame, and it’s definitely not about telling people that harm or abuse is somehow their fault.

Let’s be clear: racism, sexual harassment, and bullying are not “mutual conflicts.” Those are violations, and it is the responsibility of institutions to protect people, create safe spaces, and take action. Conflict coaching should never become a way to push responsibility for safety onto the victim.

But in the gray zones—the everyday tensions, miscommunications, and interpersonal rubs—mutuality becomes a powerful lens.

The Tension Between Agency and Blame

One of the hardest parts of conflict is holding the tension between owning your agency and not blaming yourself for everything that went wrong. It’s easy to flip into extremes: either we blame the other person entirely, or we spiral into self-criticism. But mutuality asks: What is mine to own here, and what isn’t?

This isn’t about excusing bad behavior. It’s about giving ourselves tools to manage our own experience, emotions, and responses—in ways that feel true to us. Because ultimately, how we show up shapes the response we get. That doesn’t mean we can control others, but we can control whether we’re reacting out of a stress response or making a conscious choice.

Expanding Our Window of Tolerance

Mutuality also lives in the nervous system. When we’re overwhelmed—especially by small slights or ambiguous cues—it becomes harder to respond with clarity. Building our window of tolerance means learning how to stay regulated in the moment, so we don’t get hijacked by the situation. This makes space for discernment: maybe we go head-to-head, maybe we walk away—but either way, we’re acting from agency, not reactivity.

The Power of Showing Up

Mutuality in conflict doesn’t mean taking blame for someone else’s bad behavior; it means stepping into your own power to influence how conflict unfolds. It’s about knowing what you want to say, how you want to say it, and creating space for others to meet you there. We can’t control everything, but we can choose how we show up—and often, that choice changes the whole direction of the interaction.

So as you move through training, don’t fear conflict. Get curious about it. Explore how you show up in it. Choosing wisely isn’t just about lab tests and imaging—it’s also about how you choose to respond in moments of tension.

Responding instead of reacting helps you create a space that is truly your own—a space where your values and objectives can thrive, even amidst tension. It allows you to stay grounded and intentional, while staying realistic about the relationships around you and what others bring to the table. In that space, you’re not just being acted upon—you become an active participant in shaping the outcome. You’re a player in the game, not just the ball being hit back and forth.

The Role of Conflict coaching

Conflict coaching can be a powerful space to unpack what’s really going on beneath the surface. It helps you explore the roots of your emotional triggers—your needs, values, identity, and the assumptions that often color how you interpret others. You can begin to recognize where your boundaries are being crossed and how that internal experience turns into an external reaction. Just as importantly, conflict coaching invites you to consider what might be happening on the other side of the table: what the other person may be protecting, defending, or misunderstanding. When you examine the mutual dynamics—how each person's patterns, pain points, and communication styles interact—you start to see how the conflict escalated. With that awareness, you're no longer stuck. You gain the clarity to choose your next move.