I'm in conflict - what is happening in my brain?

You ever find yourself rehashing an argument or tense exchange over and over—whether it was with a friend, a partner, or even a colleague on rounds? You know it's not productive, but you just can’t let it go? That feeling of being stuck in conflict isn’t just emotional—it’s wired into your brain. And understanding what’s going on neurologically can actually help you get unstuck.

Your brain thinks you’re in danger...

Let’s say you're a resident and your attending critiques your clinical decision in front of the whole team. Even if it wasn’t personal, your amygdala might read it as a social threat—like rejection or shame.

Your system floods with stress hormones and suddenly, you’re in fight, flight, fawn, fix or freeze mode.

• Maybe you snap back defensively.

• Maybe you go quiet and stew about it for hours.

• Maybe you go home and rant about it to a friend or partner for the tenth time.

That’s your brain saying: “This feels dangerous. Protect yourself.”

Your rational brain goes dim...

When the stress response takes over, your prefrontal cortex—the part of your brain that handles logic, reflection, and emotional regulation— is less creative.

That’s why in the moment, you might struggle to take feedback well, or you find yourself thinking only from your own point of view. You can’t zoom out because the part of your brain that does that just isn’t online right then.

You get caught in the loop...

Later, maybe you're lying in bed thinking about what happened. You replay it again and again. You imagine what you should’ve said. You start questioning your abilities.

That’s your default mode network—a system in your brain that turns on when you’re not actively focused. It’s great for self-reflection, but under stress, it becomes a rumination engine. It reinforces the story that you were wronged, or humiliated, or not good enough.

“Us vs. Them” takes over...

Here’s something tricky: your brain wants to keep you connected to “your people.” That’s what the chemical oxytocin helps with. But it also increases distrust of people you see as outsiders. So if you’ve had tension with a colleague, and you feel unsupported, your brain might quietly start casting them as "other"—even if they’ve done nothing recently to deserve it. Suddenly it’s easier to avoid them, harder to assume good intent, and more likely that you’ll interpret neutral behavior as negative.

So what can we do with this?

As medical trainees, you're under constant pressure. You're vulnerable to feedback overload, imposter syndrome, and relationship strain—especially in high-stress environments.

When you understand that conflict sticks because of how your nervous system reacts, not because you’re irrational or dramatic, it opens up space for self-compassion.

The goal isn’t to suppress the reaction. It’s to:

• Notice when your brain is in defense mode

• Pause before acting from that place

• Regulate yourself so your wiser, calmer brain can re-engage

• Get curious about the other person’s perspective—not to give in, but to get unstuck

So the next time you feel stuck in a conflict—whether it’s with a colleague, a friend, or even yourself—remember: your brain is doing exactly what it’s designed to do. But you’re not at the mercy of it. You can use your brain to get out.

One key way to do that is by calming your default mode network—that part of your brain that loves to ruminate and replay conflict on a loop. You can shift out of that by grounding yourself in the present. Try anything that brings your attention to the here and now: going for a walk, doing a body scan, journaling for clarity, or even naming what you’re feeling out loud. It helps shift your brain from looping to processing.

At the same time, you can intentionally build oxytocin—the connection hormone—to buffer against isolation and mistrust. This doesn’t mean resolving the conflict right away, but it might mean connecting with someone you do feel safe with, asking for a small act of kindness, or offering one. Even a moment of laughter, eye contact, or shared understanding with a teammate or friend can release oxytocin and soften the brain’s “us vs. them” wiring.

So when you’re in conflict, it’s not about forcing a quick resolution. It’s about regulating yourself enough that your brain can help you find a wise way forward. Pause, breathe, notice what story you're telling yourself, and invite your thinking brain back online. With a bit of awareness and self-kindness, you can shift from stuck to steady—and from reactivity to clarity.